Life, Actually

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Invisible Walls

I was mulling around Facebook when I saw my friend posted this link:

It was an article about how to love people who build up walls around their lives.

Sadly, I am one of them.

I was known as a lively teenager who believed in love at first sight, passionate love, yidi yada. I didn’t know who made me put up walls around me. Was it my first boyfriend? Or my next crushes and dates after my first boyfriend? I don’t know until now.

I hate to say this but I’m gonna say it: I often think that I’m unworthy to be loved. Umm… I think of that because I hate showing up my feelings, I don’t like being too optimistic whenever a guy approaches me (because I know in the end they will let me down and I will waste another hopeful feeling) and I don’t know how to react if someone REALLY wants to approach me because they think I’m attractive. Even though I deliver great advices about love and relationship and I understand that male are logical human being, but I don’t have the feeling that I deserve the same love and relationship I always tell my friends about.

I never think I’m attractive enough for a guy to really like, like me.

I never think I’m worth chasing enough. I always have crushes on guys who are: 1) taken, 2) gay, or 3) simply doesn’t see me as someone worth chasing or worth loving.

I build walls around me because I don’t want people to see me as someone who is too easy to play on, or someone who is too easy to give hopes to. I’m so sick and tired of all those stuffs. All I want is a man who knows how to fight to break those walls. He will know that if he tries enough, probably I will fall for him. If he tries to attract me in the right ways, I might fall for him. At first, I might look too stubborn or I might fight myself not to show affection. But in the end, he will be the one who holds me tight and tell me that it’s okay to show him my affection and my anger.

The question is when will I find someone like that?

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